Anti-bullying Laws No Help to Ukraine

Recent surveys of Eastern European countries have revealed that anti-bullying laws have had little to no success in easing tensions between Russia and former Soviet states. These laws—intended to prevent political hostage-takings like the memorable incidents in Chechnya and Mergistobatnya—have been in place for more than two years but have seen little enforcement.

One problem rests in that fact that few authorities are capable or willing to place sanctions on Russia, notoriously the biggest bully in the region.

Ukraine was at the forefront of the movement to instate anti-bullying laws on an international level, due to Russia’s vacillating provision and withdrawal of energy services. Russia has promised to continue supplying fuel to the smaller nation, providing that Ukraine “not be a little bitch about it.”

Ukrainian President Viktor Yushchenko remains doubtful of such promises, stating that Russia can repeal its promise “at any moment” after a night of too much Stolichnaya vodka.

The Retortoscope

Week of September 23, 2009.

This week you should stop wasting so much time. I mean, seriously, what's the deal?

“Oddball” Cow Refuses to Align with Magnetic North

BULGARIA (AP)—In the small village of Croswyxchayxzhcm, Bulgaria, scientists have discovered a cow who refuses to align with magnetic north. The cow claims that his refusal is steadfast and is a political statement against the poor treatment of cows in the United States.

“People criticize Bulgaria for its poverty,” said the cow, “but the way America treats her cattle… despicable.” The cow, who belongs to a small family of subsistence farmers, claims that American cattle are treated as objects, mere possessions. He cites the same feedlot conditions—including overcrowding, poor sanitation, and overuse of both hormones and antibiotics—that have outraged many animal advocates and food quality watch-groups.

The cow says that his sympathy for American cattle is only heightened by the loving treatment he receives from his owners and that the problem is largely one of differences in cultural attitudes toward nature and livestock. In regard to this difference, he points out that he is “horrified” that “the term ‘slaughterhouse’ is used freely and without censorship” in America.

While his protest primarily hopes to impact the political sphere, the form of his protest has drawn the interest of scientists worldwide. Cattle naturally stand in alignment with the earth’s north-south magnetic lines. Bovinologist Bjorn Fergman originally discovered this phenomenon while attempting to sleep in the shadow of a cow throughout the course of a single day. He found that the shadow was largest in early morning and at dusk and only appeared directly under the cow in the early afternoon.

The protesting Bulgarian cow appreciates the involvement of the scientific community and hopes that the resulting media attention will bring more international support to his cause.

The Retortoscope

Week of September 16, 2009.

This week you will encounter a man with only one finger. Avoid tuna salad over the weekend. Try to be nicer to people, even the ones who piss you off like your brother-in-law Carl.

Experienced Drinker Spills Beer

ANNECY, NY (AP)—Larry Andrews didn’t pay any special attention to the location of his beer when he pulled the wallet from his pocket last night at the Shipyard, a bar serving the white-collar labor force of inner-harbor Annecy.

An experienced drinker, Andrews spilled his beer while attempting to share photos of his newborn son that he has carried in his wallet since the boy’s birth three weeks ago.

“I knew I was taking a chance when I put the beer on the sidebar instead of just passing it to my other hand,” Andrews said. “But it’s a move I’ve made a hundred times, never any problem. I don’t know what happened this time.”

Andrews has not experienced a spill this devastating in years. Many other bar regulars have begun to question whether Andrews is in good enough condition to compete with the younger drinkers.

“It was pretty sad,” bar owner Tommy McCoy said. “Larry’s the kind of guy you see around here all the time, a real regular, and he never draws attention to himself. No spills, no yelling. You kind of respect that. Then something like this happens.”

Andrews insisted that his accident was a unique event and is not likely to recur.

“I can’t deny it was a pretty big hit to take, especially since the beer spilled down the side of my shorts,” Andrews said. “But, you know, I haven’t been out in a while. I’ve been taking care of my wife during her pregnancy. You can’t fault me for being out of shape. Of course I’m out of shape, I’m just coming back into the drinking arena.”

Despite the unfortunate spill, Andrews insisted that he would continue to drink. His biggest challenge may be taking future risks. He will no doubt play the game carefully as long as the memory of last night’s spill remains fresh in his mind.

Fellow drinker Albert Richardson said that the spill has been blown out of proportion. Insisting that Andrews has been unfairly targeted by members of the media and the bar staff, Richardson said, “I feel like there were a lot of good competitors out there, Larry included. Ultimately, I’m just excited to take part.”

While attention will no doubt focus on Andrews in the near future, there still exists the possibility that he can fully regain his respect among the community of drinkers at the Shipyard. However, the threat of future spills may not be the only difficulty Larry Andrews faces in years to come.

“I feel bad for Larry,” said co-worker John Schleck. “Not about the beer, though. I mean, that was one fucking ugly kid.”

Local Tree Commits Suicide

NEIGHBORS DESCRIBE TREE AS “DESPONDENT”

POORLAND, MW—A local oak tree committed suicide early Wednesday afternoon.

Poorland Police report that the large, decades-old tree collapsed into a neighboring yard, ending its own life and causing several hundred dollars in property damage, including damage to local cable TV lines.

The tree’s body was discovered after neighbors noticed the loss of cable TV service. Some residents suffered as long as two hours before workers could reestablish service. “Sure it’s an inconvenience,” one resident said, “but it’s just sad to think of the larger circumstances. That tree has been in the alley as long as I can remember.”

The collapse also crushed a fence and damaged both a fishing boat and a nearby car. The car, a 1989 Buick Park Avenue, reported feeling lucky to be alive. “A tree that heavy, if it had turned a few feet to the right as it fell, it would have crushed me, too,” said the Buick.

Though the police did not speculate on a motive for the suicide, neighbors have described the tree as “distant” and “despondent.” One neighboring maple tree pointed out that the fallen oak suffered from heart rot and had been pessimistic about recovery. “It’s a sapling’s world,” the maple said. “You can’t last forever.”

Heart rot, caused by the inward growth of fungus, can be cured if treated early.

Most tree suicides, however, are linked to the presence of kudzu, a fast-growing vine that kills deciduous trees by sapping nutrients from their root systems. The hopeless outlook for most kudzu infestations often results in multiple suicides, as in the memorable 1973 Laurelton incident, when over two hundred Mississippi pines set themselves on fire after fighting kudzu encroachment.

The oak tree’s identity has not yet been revealed, pending notification of relatives.