Local Tree Commits Suicide

NEIGHBORS DESCRIBE TREE AS “DESPONDENT”

POORLAND, MW—A local oak tree committed suicide early Wednesday afternoon.

Poorland Police report that the large, decades-old tree collapsed into a neighboring yard, ending its own life and causing several hundred dollars in property damage, including damage to local cable TV lines.

The tree’s body was discovered after neighbors noticed the loss of cable TV service. Some residents suffered as long as two hours before workers could reestablish service. “Sure it’s an inconvenience,” one resident said, “but it’s just sad to think of the larger circumstances. That tree has been in the alley as long as I can remember.”

The collapse also crushed a fence and damaged both a fishing boat and a nearby car. The car, a 1989 Buick Park Avenue, reported feeling lucky to be alive. “A tree that heavy, if it had turned a few feet to the right as it fell, it would have crushed me, too,” said the Buick.

Though the police did not speculate on a motive for the suicide, neighbors have described the tree as “distant” and “despondent.” One neighboring maple tree pointed out that the fallen oak suffered from heart rot and had been pessimistic about recovery. “It’s a sapling’s world,” the maple said. “You can’t last forever.”

Heart rot, caused by the inward growth of fungus, can be cured if treated early.

Most tree suicides, however, are linked to the presence of kudzu, a fast-growing vine that kills deciduous trees by sapping nutrients from their root systems. The hopeless outlook for most kudzu infestations often results in multiple suicides, as in the memorable 1973 Laurelton incident, when over two hundred Mississippi pines set themselves on fire after fighting kudzu encroachment.

The oak tree’s identity has not yet been revealed, pending notification of relatives.